A bully in the movies is almost as common as a hero. And what goes better with a bully, than a dumb-ass line? Pretty much nothing. And it’s those weird lines they give that makes them memorable. I’m here today to give you a few of my favorites.
And as the title says, we start off with Sergeant Botnick (played by Andrew Robinson) from Child’s Play 3. He was the school-barber and everytime he gave someone a hair-cut, he’d say “Presto, you’re bald.“, even if they (and they never were) were bald. He was just a weird dude, walking around in the mess hall, grabbing students by the hair telling time a time to come see him. Pretty creepy. And of course, to top it all off… He gets his hands on Chucky, mumbling something about the dolls hair not being regulation. And I’m guessing that Chucky likes his hair the way it is, because what’ya know, he slices Botnick’s throat with a straight razor.
Next up we have Buzz (Devin Ratray), the older brother from the first two Home Alone-movies. This guy is constantly making Kevin’s life a living hell and as a younger brother myself, I give praises to my older brother today, for not being a jerk like Buzz when we were growing up. But the ‘Jerkiness’ of Buzz isn’t what made him memorable, it’s the air-head facial expressions and the fact that half of the thing he said just sounded stupid, like “See that garbage can full of salt? That’s where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies… into mummies.” or “Say isn’t it true that French babes don’t shave their pits?” He does, however, vindicate himself in the end, showing us that he too, actually missed his lil’brother.
Next up, we have yet another big brother to look up to. Yeah, I’m talking about Chet Donnelly, the big brother-bully from Weird Science. This is one of the greatest performances ever given (not counting Aliens or Club Dread) by Bill Paxton, I think. The stuck-up, ass-kissing, mama’s boy-attitude with a military sense of ‘I’m the boss, you’re the slave’-syndrome is one of the great things that makes this movie a classic (Kelly LeBrock being another Huge part) and it’s definitely what made me buy it. Chet delivers a whole lot of Now classic lines, like “I’m gonna tell Mom and Dad everything. I’m even considering makin’ up some shit!” and “How ’bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?” alongside other classics, like “It’s time to pay the fiddler…” and “You two donkey-dicks couldn’t get laid in a morgue.“. It’s hysterical to watch Bill deliver these lines, all with a crooked cringe on his lips and a laugh I can’t seem to think he ‘stole’ from Eddie Murphy.
As they say, “Good things comes in three’s” so I think that’s all I have for you this ‘morning’, but I’ll most certainly be back later on with yet another Slaptastic post about something either Craptastic or Fantastic… but until then, please stand up to your local bullies, show them they don’t matter, unless they’re in a movie!