Category Archives: The Dump

#TopFive – Chris Rock’s personal ‘Uprize’- review

You know, sometimes you say that you’ll do something that, after you do it, you really regret. I told you all on Twitter that I was gonna watch Top Five tonight, and I did, and I regret it. Let me tell you why…
Top Five banner

When Andre Allen (Chris Rock) a “down on his luck” comedian/actor is trying to promote his latest film Uprize, the world can’t seem to grasp that he’s doing something serious instead of some lame “Hammy the bear” sequel (yeah, Hammy is a bear And a cop…. yeah!) and all the while, he’s preparing to get married to Erica Long (Gabrielle Union), a “reality TV” star who’s hell bent on “staying” famous as well as trying to give a serious interview to Chelsea Brown (Rosario Dawson), a journalist with a (not at all interesting) hidden agenda. The movie he’s trying to promote, Uprize, isn’t doing so well and he lashes out at a liquor store over some ridiculous “Hammy the Beer” bullshit…

Why I say in the title here, that this is Chris Rock’s personal Uprize, is because I can’t for the life of me see this movie doing good at the box office. Top Five is without a doubt a snooze fest and you know it to be so when the funniest thing in the movie is Jerry Seinfeld (as Jerry Seinfeld) making it rain in a strip club. Yeah, and also, Adam Sandler (as Adam Sandler) is giving Andre advice about married life (“Be good, don’t cheat. And if you do, don’t admit it.”)…
No, this movie is not even getting a Denied-stamp, it’s actually going straight to The Dump, along with most of the shitty movies I’ve ever watched and probably never will see ever again.

So there you have it, my one regret for today. But be sure to tune in later on for more goodies to read while on the toilet with your tab, but until then…..


The Apparition

2013 Horror-a-thon banner

The Apparition BannerAnd we’re back. This time we’ve taken a look at the 2012 crap-fest that is The Apparition. The reason I’m calling it a crap-fest is because it is just that… a crap-fest. The movie was written and directed by Todd Lincoln (a newcomer, if you will) and it stars Ashley Greene, Sebastian Stan and Tom Felton. The consensus on Rotten (with its 4% Fresh-rating) says; “The Apparition fails to offer anything original, isn’t particularly scary, and offers so little in the way of dramatic momentum that it’s more likely to put you to sleep than thrill you.” And I have to agree. The scores on Metacritic isn’t much to look at either, with a 3.9 user-score and the amazing Metascore of 18. Yeah, I think this movie takes 1st place in low scores on this years Horror-a-thon, and Yes, this is one for The Dump! As Brian Orndorf at said; “The trailer for “The Apparition” contained more story than the picture it was promoting. In fact, I think the trailer for “The Apparition” is actually more of a movie than “The Apparition.“, so in accordance with that, here is the trailer for the film and.. yeah, that’s it, I don’t have anything else to say about this one…..

I’ll be back tomorrow with another installment, but for now, I’m leaving you with this…. so until tomorrow, DON’T watch the movie, stick to the trailer!

Chernobyl Diaries

2013 Horror-a-thon banner

Chernobyl Diaries bannerHere we are, with yet another installment. This one will be a short one though, not because I’m pressed for time (which I also kinda am), but because the movie Chernobyl Diaries doesn’t deserve anything else. The movie stars Jesse McCartney (Chris), Olivia Taylor Dudley (Natalie), Devin Kelley (Amanda), Jonathan Sadowski (Paul), Dimitri Diatchenko (Uri), Ingrid Bolsø Berdal (Zoe) and Nathan Phillips (Michael). It was written by Shane Van Dyke, Carey Van Dyke and Oren Peli and directed by Bradley Parker. It stands on a shaky legs with a 4 point Average-rating on Rotten and a 5 on IMDB and those ratings seem to be quite fitting. If you watch Without expectations, you’ll probably won’t be as disappointed as if you had some expectations, but it doesn’t fulfill your horror movie-needs at all.

Chernobyl Bear attackSo the movie then. A group of friends (Chris, Natalie & Amanda) travels to Kiev to visit Chris’ brother Paul. After some convincing, Paul and the “gang”, along with a backpacking couple (Zoe & Michael), goes on what they call Extreme-tour to Pripyat (the abandoned town just outside of Chernobyl) with “Extreme tour-guide” Uri, an ex-special forces military dude. Needless to say, things happen, the group gets scattered, killed off one by one, nothing special. The best way to explain this movie was done by my favorite movie-reviewer of all time, Jeremy Jahns, and he did it in one sentence; “The hillskys Have Eyesovitch.” Yeah, it’s that simple. A bunch of radiation-freaks rampage the abandoned town etc. Nothing new, nothing spectacular. The only time I ever even flinched during this movie was when they were “attacked” by a bear.

One thing that bothered me about this movie is the camera-work. It looks almost as if there was another person with them, documenting everything on film but at no point did they acknowledge that, so It’s just a way to make the movie feel more scary or creepy or whatever, and it doesn’t even do that… it’s just annoying and at times, even nauseating.

So, in short. this movie is headed straight for The Dump. And this one was so bad, I’m not even gonna give you the trailer for it. Yeah, that’s how much it sucked. I don’t even want you to watch the trailer… think about that, let that sink in!

So there you go, as promised, another installment posted before I’m off into a drunken Halloween-haze! I’ll be back at it again tomorrow, though, with a “fresh” take on The Apparition. But until then…. STAY AWAY from Chernobyl. Not just reactor 4 and Pripyat in general, but the movie as well!